Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
