It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
