Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
