If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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