She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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