I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
