your parents love me but you hate me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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