every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
