My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can't turn off my feet"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
