by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
