This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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