Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
