Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
