Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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