I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
