I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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