i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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