12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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