my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
