went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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