I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
