I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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