Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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