You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
