no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
