The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
