I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
