I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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