I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
