Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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