he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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