Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
