As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
