sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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