Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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