everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
