I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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