my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
