These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
