You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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