Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
