My Higher Power is John Stamos
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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