Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You made out with two different species that night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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