Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize