Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
