At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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