I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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