I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Come see our sink grown plant.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We left the knife in your bed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
