You were right. It hurts to walk today.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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