Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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