That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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