i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
