So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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