i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
