pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
