apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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