Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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