I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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