i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
