somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
