my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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