he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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