So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
